:(

       I have found out that lots of people know who I am writing this blog. More family than friends but it still makes me sad. I now see the importance of keeping your identity a secret in these blogs, your writing is affected when people know that your the author of the material. You worry what those people will think of your writing. You start to second guess your ideas. I hope that I can continue to write what I want even though those people know that it's all connected to me.

I Remember

       I remember sitting on my fathers shoulders. I remember falling on my scooter, I shredded my nice clothes and I spent the next hour pulling gravel out of my arm. I remember being alone, my family is always there for me but somehow I still feel alone. I remember when I loved to smile, now I don't like my smile. I remember when learning was fun. I remember when my heart was made of gold and not just painted gold.

"Well … at least I've got your back."

Things I've found to be Fun

-Calf wrestling
-Paint balling
-Sneaking chocolate to my sisters kids behind her back
-Hunting
-Reeling in fish as big as me
-Catching salmon with my bare hands
-Exercise (its good for my self esteem)
-Singing Niel Diamonds "Sweet Caroline"in vegas, at the rugby world sevens championship in a stadium full of drunk people
-Relaxing on a beach in Nassau with a pretty girl from texas
-Watching the fountains at the Bellagio in sync with Andrea Bocelli's "Time to say Goodbye"
-Feeding tropical flowers to large iguanas while touring ancient mayan ruins
-Running after a baby griz in wyoming to get a decent picture
-Visiting the diner in the small town of Cooke Montana
-Popin my collar and enjoying the night life in downtown Miami (here it seems lame but over there its all the rage)
-Having a delicious home-cooked meal on a ranch in Hail Missouri
-Hitting up Tak Shing with my cuz during Minnesota's annual ice age and then venturing deep in the bowels of the Mall of America

Gotta get somthin off my chest.

I know I've been poor at keeping up with these blogs and im sorry. Its so easy for me to do the journals because I know the only person that will see them is nelson. im afraid ok, im afraid of showing all of you my heart because its contents are all i have left. I wish I could say that I am defined by the contents of my heart but I would be lying. I always neglect them, hide them, all Im trying to do is protect them. But I cant do it anymore, my soul racks with pain every night and I can't take it anymore, whether you listen to what I have to say or not is entirely up to you but regardless, I have to open up, at least this one time.

 I spend my Wednesday nights volunteering at a local center for disabled people, I did it because it was fun to go dance and there were cute girls volunteering with me. This last Wednesday I went by myself, I wasn't doing anything else at the time so I thought i'd go. I signed in like normal and was assigned to join a small ward out of lehi to go dance with disabled people who could walk as apposed to those in wheelchairs. We arrived at the building and everything was going as it normally does. We were all introduced and the music began and we started dancing. It seemed like the residents were really having fun doing all of the activities and things. Then I noticed a small woman sitting alone in the corner of the room. The woman in charge told me to go sit by her for a while and keep her company. When I approached her i asked her if i could sit by her, without looking up she nodded yes. We sat for a while and watched the the others laugh and dance. I talked to her, told her about my day, my life, my plans. I knew that she could not respond but I also knew that she could understand me and it seemed to comfort both of us. I was in the middle of telling her a story when she took my hand, she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and she smiled. She didn't have to say a word, I understood. when I got home I went in my bathroom and cried, it shocked me because I hadn't cried in a long time. I felt a love, and not just for that lonely woman but for all of those people. I realized that I loved watching them laugh and smile and have a good time. I enjoy being in their company. I've come to realize that I am a ton more broken up and imperfect than they are and that it is a privilege to be able to spend time with them each week. They have taught me a lot about love, when I see an old man and woman sitting on a park bench holding hands and talking about the good old days, it makes me happy to see that their love is so strong after all these years. All I can do is hope that one day I'll be able to share that same love with someone else.

Alright, sorry that I was sooo off topic.

Things That Drive Me Crazy!!!!

1. Grandma driving 30 in a 45.
2. Girls that like you but don't show any interest and then expect you to just magically know that they want you to ask them out ( I am so blind when it comes to these things).
3. Mowing my huge lawn with a push mower.
4. Watching Wreck It Ralph 80 times because your nieces and nephews won't watch anything else.
5. Friends that set you up on blind dates with people they know you won't like.
6. When my health crazed sister says the word "Processed" or "Organic". 
7. When my evil nephew whacks my goods with his toy golf club while I sleep on my couch ( he can be a real demon sometimes but I still love him).
8. When people eat my food.
9. When your teacher in the 6th grade makes you go to the district science fair because you went the extra mile on your project and then you get seated next to awkward mike who shows you his ability to pull out his own hair in clumps and you can't do  anything about it and your stuck with him for 2 hours straight!  wow… it felt good to get that off my chest :)  

Fears Stink

Fears stink, they hold you back, they turn your life from dids to could have dones. They fill you with regrets. I like to pretend that I don't have any fears, I solidify it in my mind and over time I almost start to believe it. Sometimes those fears start to creep up on me again and I immediately shove them back down.  Fact: Girls may like guys who are sensitive but nobody likes a sissy.

My ungrasped concept of love

Love is the tooth I lost in the grass.
Love is the meal my siblings ate before I got there.
Love is the roller coaster I was too short to ride.
Love is the girl that I was never bold enough to talk to.
Love is the vacation that I could not afford.
Love is the big fish that broke my line.
Love is the delicious dessert that I don't know how to cook.
In short, love is the inside joke that everyone seems to understand but me… :(

Am I a Robot?

I like to be alone, I distance myself from the social world but people keep dragging me back in. When I'm alone colors are richer and sounds are more crisp. I can think for myself and not for you. When I'm alone I can work in the shadows, make you think I am 2 steps ahead when really I'm 3 steps behind. When I'm alone I contemplate my image and check to see if I am the person that my mother and god would want me to be.
As I've grown, emotions became baggage or bullets for popularity assassins. It's easy to feel nothing at all rather than to feel and then fall. If I am a robot, I will stay a robot until I've decided that it is safe to drop my metal casing.

Introduction de Bull Bencher

Usually alone or with other bulls. Grazing for food all day long. Easily threatened or annoyed by others. Only respecting bulls bigger or older than I. I am Bull Bencher