Gotta get somthin off my chest.

I know I've been poor at keeping up with these blogs and im sorry. Its so easy for me to do the journals because I know the only person that will see them is nelson. im afraid ok, im afraid of showing all of you my heart because its contents are all i have left. I wish I could say that I am defined by the contents of my heart but I would be lying. I always neglect them, hide them, all Im trying to do is protect them. But I cant do it anymore, my soul racks with pain every night and I can't take it anymore, whether you listen to what I have to say or not is entirely up to you but regardless, I have to open up, at least this one time.

 I spend my Wednesday nights volunteering at a local center for disabled people, I did it because it was fun to go dance and there were cute girls volunteering with me. This last Wednesday I went by myself, I wasn't doing anything else at the time so I thought i'd go. I signed in like normal and was assigned to join a small ward out of lehi to go dance with disabled people who could walk as apposed to those in wheelchairs. We arrived at the building and everything was going as it normally does. We were all introduced and the music began and we started dancing. It seemed like the residents were really having fun doing all of the activities and things. Then I noticed a small woman sitting alone in the corner of the room. The woman in charge told me to go sit by her for a while and keep her company. When I approached her i asked her if i could sit by her, without looking up she nodded yes. We sat for a while and watched the the others laugh and dance. I talked to her, told her about my day, my life, my plans. I knew that she could not respond but I also knew that she could understand me and it seemed to comfort both of us. I was in the middle of telling her a story when she took my hand, she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and she smiled. She didn't have to say a word, I understood. when I got home I went in my bathroom and cried, it shocked me because I hadn't cried in a long time. I felt a love, and not just for that lonely woman but for all of those people. I realized that I loved watching them laugh and smile and have a good time. I enjoy being in their company. I've come to realize that I am a ton more broken up and imperfect than they are and that it is a privilege to be able to spend time with them each week. They have taught me a lot about love, when I see an old man and woman sitting on a park bench holding hands and talking about the good old days, it makes me happy to see that their love is so strong after all these years. All I can do is hope that one day I'll be able to share that same love with someone else.

Alright, sorry that I was sooo off topic.